How to steer a family dinner away from an argument

Most dinner-table arguments don't explode out of nowhere. They simmer first, and there's usually a window of a minute or two when a gentle nudge can move the whole table somewhere else. Steering is about spotting that window and having something ready to say when it opens.

Nobody is asking you to be a hostage negotiator. You just need to be the person who notices the pot is about to boil and turns the heat down.

Learn the early warning signs

Every family has its own tells, but some show up at almost every table:

• Someone starts a sentence with "I'm not trying to start anything, but..."
• A question that isn't really a question: "So, have you seen what's been going on with...?"
• Two people stop eating at the same time.
• A volume increase of about 15 percent, followed by a younger relative suddenly taking great interest in their phone.
• The phrase "Well, actually."

The moment you notice one, that's your cue. The earlier you redirect, the less it looks like a redirect.

Redirect with a question, not a correction

The worst way to stop an argument is to announce that you're stopping it. "Can we not do this today?" is fair, but it often turns into its own argument about whether "this" is happening.

A good question works better because it gives people somewhere to go. Ask about something specific and easy:

• "Grandpa, how did you and Grandma actually meet? I've heard three versions."
• "Wait, who made these rolls? I need to know what's in them."
• "Did anyone see the dog steal that napkin earlier?"
• "What's everyone doing for the rest of the weekend?"

Questions about food, family history and pets work at nearly every table because everyone can join in. Our conversation cards have dozens more if your mind goes blank under pressure.

Use the person, not the topic

When someone is winding up, they want to be heard. You can give them that without giving the topic oxygen. Ask them about themselves instead: their garden, their job, the trip they just took, the thing they built. People tend to light up when asked about something they're proud of, and a proud person usually isn't looking for a fight.

This is especially useful with relatives who like to hold the floor. Hand them a better stage.

Create a small, friendly interruption

Sometimes a question isn't enough and you need a change of scene. Small physical interruptions reset the energy at the table:

• Stand up and offer to refill drinks.
• Ask someone to help you carry the next dish in from the kitchen.
• Announce that the pie is coming in ten minutes and you need a vote on whipped cream.
• Bring a baby, a puppy or a very tall dessert into the room. All three are unbeatable.

Moving bodies change the mood. By the time everyone sits back down, the thread of the argument has often been lost.

Recruit an ally before dinner

If you know a particular topic tends to cause trouble in your family, have a quiet word with a sibling, cousin or partner beforehand. Agree on a signal and a rescue plan. One of you asks the question, the other one jumps in with enthusiasm. Two people steering is far more convincing than one.

Some families even agree on an official rule: no heated topics until after dessert. That's more effective when it's set in advance, and it can be delivered with a smile. "House rules, folks. Pie first."

Don't win, just move on

When someone says something you disagree with, the urge to respond can be very strong. It helps to decide in advance that dinner is not the place you'll change anyone's mind. Think of it this way: no one in the history of Thanksgiving has ever said, "You know what, you've convinced me, pass the yams."

Letting a comment go isn't agreeing with it. A neutral "Hm, I see it differently, but let's save that one," followed straight away by a new question, keeps your self-respect and the peace at the same time.

Know when to step away

If you've tried and the conversation is still heating up, it's fine to leave the room for a bit. Check on the kitchen, take a short walk, play with the kids. This is also, of course, the exact moment our Save me button was made for: set a short delay, let your fake call from the Extended Car Warranty Dept. ring, and make a sincere-looking exit.

Most arguments go off the boil once their audience wanders away.

Seconds, anyone? A few questions

Isn't changing the subject just avoiding the problem?

Sometimes avoiding it is the right call. A crowded holiday table with tired people and a deadline for the pie is a poor setting for a deep disagreement. You can always suggest talking about it another day, one on one.

What if the person starting the argument is the host?

The same moves work, delivered with a bit more warmth. Ask the host about the food, the house or a family story only they know. Hosts usually love an excuse to talk about something they made.